Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Extempore Effusions on the Completion of Masechet Kidushin Chapter 1

(2a)
How is a woman acquired?
When one of three things has transpired—
Give money, a writ,
Or just go and do "it"
("It" is sex. Should that be your desire.)

(2a)
You can go buy a woman with cash
(Buy a few if you've got a big stash.)
We know this from the field
Bought by Avram (whose shield
Was God). This purchase should not be rash!

(2b)
Is "Derech" a masculine noun?
Or feminine? Cases abound.
On matters semantic
The Talmud's pedantic.
"No way!" "Way!" This word gets around.

(2b)
The way of a man is to court
A woman. He does this for sport.
If you lose something dear
You go hunt far and near
It does not hunt for you. Men, cavort!

(3b)
The money that's paid for a wife
Does not go to the girl. She'd cause strife
If she kept all the bucks
It's for Dad. (Yes, it sucks—
He gets all, though she gives her whole life.)

(5b)
Can a woman say, "I hereby make
You my husband." That is, can she take
Him instead of vice versa
Say, give him her purse. A
Fair trade. But the deal would not take.

(6a)
If a man says, “Behold you are mine,”
To a woman he happens to find.
Does that mean they are married?
Though no ring was carried,
No canopy, contract or wine?

(7a)
A woman would rather be wed
Than lie all alone in her bed.
Better two bods than one—
Is it really more fun?
(She could buy a warm blanket instead?)

(7a)
"Half of you is now wed unto me"
Says the groom. Bu can such a thing be?
No, a woman's not fit
To be midway down split
If she weds, she weds full-bodily!

(7b)
"I will give you a penny right now
For your daughter. And also your cow."
Is the coin for the chick
Or for both? It's a trick--
Half a penny is never allowed.

(8b)
"With this coin I thee wed unto me"
She then tosses it into the sea.
The coin's gone forever
Is their bond now severed?
"I did it to test him!" (her plea).

(8b)
"Be my wife with this loaf of fresh bread."
A dog's chasing her! Soon she'll be dead!
She throws bread to the beast
It slows down for the feast
She escapes. Is she single, or wed?

(9a)
A man's picking dates from a tree.
She says, "Throw down two dates please for me"
He said, "If I so do
Will you then be my true
Wife?" "Throw fruit, please" she cries, eagerly.

(9b)
"Say, how much would you give for your son?"
"I have two dollars. I'd give you one."
"And how much for your gal?"
"That's about right, my pal."
They are wed! Raise a glass, everyone!

(9b)
An engaged woman waits to be wed
Ten men come and they rape her instead
When they get in her sack
They go in from the back.
Never mind! Stone them 'til they are dead.

(10a)
A girl's spouse-to-be starts penetrating
She accepts Kiddushin from one waiting
Patiently by her side.
Now we need to decide:
During sex, do we say they're still dating?

(10b)
Said Ben Bag Bag, "I don't understand—
All the sages say you're a smart man
That you know Torah's rooms--
Yet it's you who assumes
Eating truma – engaged women can."

(11a)
You discover a blemish. You say:
"I will not keep you, wife. Go away!"
If the servant's thus marred
You'd still keep her. Not hard
To see why. Wives are for work and play.

(11a)
If a woman takes as Kiddushin
Coins at night, when not much can be seen.
If she thinks it's a pruta
Then morning comes: "Shoot! A
Half pruta? That guy is obscene!"

(12a)
"You're my wife with this fine myrtle mat."
Cries the woman, "You think I'm worth that?"
He says, "Look deep inside
There are four coins that hide
There. Take those." Does the whole deal fall flat?

(13a)
There once was a woman who sold
Lovely ribbons. There came a man bold
He stole quite a few
She cried, "Give them back, you!"
He said, "Marry me." How do we hold?

(14a)
Chalitzah is done with a shoe
Take it off him, then throw it. You do
It with sneaker and sandal
But don't cause a scandal
With footwear he can't fit into.

(15a)
A slave may not wish for a wife
But his master may say, "Make new life!"
Then he must procreate
With a Canaanite date
Lest the master accuse him of strife.

(16a)
A Canaanite slave lost his arm
While plowing his master's great farm
The slave then goes free
Yes, indubitably--
It's the price he gets paid for his harm.

(16b)
When a Canaanite slave girl goes free
After six years laboriously
Spent, she gets some nice cash
At her big send-off bash
Hey girl, pocket the dough and then flee!

(17a)
If your slave boy falls sick all six years
(First a headache, then tonsils, then ears.)
Does he make up the time
Well, as Rav Sheshet chimes
If he sewed, he is not in arrears.

(18b)
A master may say to his slave-
Girl, "Fantastic are you! How I rave!
I shall make you all mine
In my bed, you'll fit fine."
Is she wed or engaged to the knave?

(19a)
Can a master say, "Servant girl, you
Are not quite right for me, it is true.
But I'll give you my son,
He's a minor, but hon'
He'll be yours someday." Can he thus do?

(20a)
All your slaves must be treated with care
With good mattress, good wine, and good fare.
Say, if you eat fine bread
Don't give stale cakes instead
To him. Ye who buy slaves should beware!

(21b)
If a priest fighting battles espies
A beautiful maid with his eyes.
Do we call it a vice
If he sleeps with her twice
What’s the law about priest-maiden ties?

(22a)
If a slave does not want to go free
He must say twice “This life is for me.”
If his Master’s held dear
Then you nail in his ear
It seems strange, yes, that such things could be.

(22b)
A convert was ready to die
His servant stood very close by.
“Will you bring me my shoes?”
This was Mar Zutra’s ruse
To inherit the servant. How sly!

(23b)
Can a slave or a woman acquire
A thing that they need, or desire?
Rabbi Meir said no,
They can own things, although
It all really belongs to the sire. 

(24b)
A chicken inserted its head
To a glass jar and screamed ‘til ‘twas red
And the jar promptly shattered
The juice inside splattered
The bird owner pays, Rami said.

(25a)
Rebbe’s servant girl dunked and came up
With a bone in her teeth from her sup-
per. Then must she repeat
Her dunk from head to feet?
Must her tongue get wet? Rebbe said yup.

(25b)
Rabbi Shimon dissented and taught
(Though the claim that he made was quite fraught)
If an animal’s gifted
It first must be lifted
Then how is an elephant bought?

(26b)
Rabban Gamliel rode on a ship
He was gone for quite long on this trip.
He announced: “I will hand
Over tithes atop land.”
Can the land part instead have been skipped?

(27b)
Can you swear on two things in one oath
Is a double swear something we loath?
Amen then amen
Said the Sotah again
Swearing not just on one thing, but both.

(28a)
Thank you for buying my wheat
But I fear you’ll have nothing to eat
It burned in a fire
I fear it’s quite dire--
You paid for a worthless receipt.

(29a)
Father must teach Son a trade
Something that Son can do to get paid.
If he doesn’t; good grief
Son will become a thief—
When he needs food, he’ll swoop down and raid.

(30a)
Rabbi Hiya was very impressed
For he saw that Ben Levi, half-dressed
Took his son to go study
Before anybody
Awoke. Because it’s God’s behest.

(31a)
Don’t sin when in private—God’s chair
Is the sky. His legs hang down from there.
As God’s legs are quite long,
If you do something wrong
You bump into His feet. So beware.

(32b)
If you see someone white-haired, stand up
We respect anyone so grown-up.
You can’t try to flee
Or pretend you don’t see
Him. And pour him some wine in his cup. 

(33b)
If a Torah scroll passes, you stand
(Some will reach out to kiss with their hand.)
If you’re busy with study
You need stand for nobody
Although your respect he commands.

(34a)
Some mitzvoth can be done any time
It does not matter when the clock chimes.
Hang a mezuzah on your door
Return coins from the floor
Send the mother bird off ere you climb.

(35a)
Are women commanded by God
To be fruitful? At first you might nod
God tells Adam and Eve
To have babes. But reprieve
Is granted to Eve. Yes, it’s odd. 

(36a)
Are we always considered God’s sons?
Are we all the time His chosen ones?
Yehuda says no,
It depends if you go
In His ways. If so, God loves us tons.

(37a)
Some mitzvoth depend on the land
(Which is Israel, you must understand.)
Such as: You cannot eat
From the new crop of wheat
“Til the Omer is waved with the hand.

(38a)
When Moses died, manna stopped falling
Did the people starve while they were bawling?
They ate manna from jugs
(Hopefully free of bugs)
Then made matzah, while Egypt recalling.

(39b)
Those who honor their fathers live long
But what of that boy, young and strong
Dad said “Bring chicks to me.”
So he climbed up the tree
And then fell to his death. What went wrong?

(40a)
For sinners, we cut them some slack
We say: Go away dressed all in black
Do your sin while you hide
And although we will chide
You, if you repent, you’re welcome back.

(40b)
Is it better to do or to learn?
For which action is more merit earned?
Tarfon said: You should do
Said the sages: Not true!
You should learn how to do, we discern.



Saturday, April 09, 2016

Lovely Eyes (Kidushin 7a)

My twin daughters are extraordinarily generous. Whenever I pick them up from preschool, I always have snacks lodged under our double stroller. The girls ask me for snacks because they are hungry, but they are never content to leave it at that. Outside their preschool is a playground where many of the parents and kids hang out after the school day is over. My girls make the rounds giving out snacks to each and every one of their friends in the schoolyard, as well as to any kids interested in a rice cake or pretzels. They insist not just on handing out a pretzel to each kid, but on offering the entire Tupperware container, so that each kid may choose how many he or she wants. Generally this means there are very few pretzels left for my girls, but they don’t seem to mind. The satisfaction they get out of sharing with others is presumably more valuable to them than another bite of salty crunch.
            The Talmud has a term for this sense of satisfaction, as I recently discovered in learning daf yomi. In tractate Kidushin, which deals with betrothal and marriage (among other topics), the rabbis discuss the ways in which a woman may become betrothed to a man. Generally this is accomplished by means of the transfer of an object of value from a man to a woman, though the man my alternatively give the woman a written document attesting to their betrothal, or he may simply have intercourse with her. It is always the man who initiates. Well, almost always. The Talmud at the beginning of Kidushin (7a) describes the case of a woman who says to a man, “Take this coin, and with this coin you will be engaged to me.” At first glance this seems strange; since when does a woman give something to the man to effect betrothal? The rabbis of the Talmud explain that while it may appear that the woman is giving something to the man, in fact it is he who is giving something more significant to her. In this specific case, the rabbis explain, the man is an important person, and the woman receives the “gift” of being able to confer benefit on him—which is its own source of satisfaction.
            It seems that the sages, like my daughters, understood the inherent value of conferring benefit on someone else, and the satisfaction of making others happy. The phrase used in the Talmud for this sense of satisfaction is טובת הנאה, i.e. the goodness of [conferring] benefit. Elsewhere the sages speak of what it means to give a gift בעין יפה, i.e. with a “lovely eye.” To give with a lovely eye is to give generously and capaciously. This is of course subjective, but it seems to have the power to alter objective reality: the sages speak of a measure known as a tefach, a handbreath, which is approproximately eight centimeters. But everyone’s hand is a different width, and everyone’s sense of what is appropriate to hand out varies too. Thus the rabbis come up with the notion of a טפח שוחק, a laughing handbreath – which is a bit more of than just a handbreath. It is a handbreath given with a generous heart and a smiling face, much like the way my daughters hand out pretzels in the schoolyard. 
          I don’t know why my daughters are so generous. Is it just their temperaments? Is it because they are twins, and have had to share from the moment of conception? Or have they somehow internalized that we, thank God, have enough, and can afford to give to others? Has someone modeled this generosity for them? Certainly I can take no credit. Often at night, when I’m standing in the kitchen packing their lunches and restocking the bag of snacks I keep under their stroller, I find myself gritting my teeth that I have to replace the pretzels once again, even though I know my daughters hardly ate any of them. But then I stop for a moment and think about how lucky I am that God has shone His countenance upon me and given so generously to me, בעין יפה, granting me the gift of not one baby, but of two born simultaneously. Twins, I have no doubt, are the gift of lovely eyes, and I am grateful to God that my hands are so wide, and so full. 

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Extempore Effusions on the Completion of Gittin chapters 8 and 9

Chapter 8 הזורק גט לאשתו 

(77a)
If you throw your Get into the yard
Where your wife stands (she should be on guard)
Or into her lap
Or the basket she strapped
To her arm, she’s divorced. That’s not hard.

(78a)
If you throw a Get into the bed
Where your wife lies (it falls near her head)
Is it valid? It is
If it’s her bed, not his.
But is her bed not his, since they’re wed?

(79b)
An “old Get” is one that’s outdated
For Hillel, I fear, it is fated
To be rendered not good
But says Shammai it should
Be fine, though inscribed ere they mated.

 (80a)
A kingdom considered unfit
You can’t write a Get unto it.
This includes all of Rome
Though Jews called it their home,
Gittin cannot be in Latin writ.

(81a)
First dismiss her, then say, “What the hell,
I’ll sleep with her in a motel.”
Does she need one more Get?
Does the first one hold yet?
Can we say their divorce is still swell?

Chapter 9 – המגרש את אשתו

(82a)
Said a man to his ex, “You are free
To marry all men except me
And except my friend Ed
If you land in his bed,
This divorce holds no weight.” Can that be?

(83a)
Eliezer died. Four sages came
To address a point made in his name
Akiva and Tarfon
Yossi on his car phone
Elazar – we accept just his claim.

(84a)
You’re divorced, dear, so long as you wed
My relative, dear cousin Fred –
You’re divorced if you fly
Or go up to the sky
Does the Get hold if that’s what he said?

(85a)
“You’re divorced. But you can’t marry Dad
Or your father, my brother, that lad
Who works as a slave,
Or that non-Jewish knave.”
Well of course she can’t. What, are you mad?

(86b)
Water with red heifer dust—
If an animal drinks it, it’s bust.
But a dove can drink it
Doves will suck, but not spit
And is Kartzit a creature we trust?

(87a)
If two Gittin are on the same page
Side-by-side, so it’s quite hard to gauge
Because one’s signed in Greek
One in Hebrew, this wreaks
Havoc. Who signed which Get at which stage?

(88b)
Beat a man ‘til he lets his wife go—
Is that Get OK? Do we say no?
A Get by coercion
Is not fine if Persian
Or Roman courts leveled the blow.

(89a)
If a rumor is heard in the town
That a woman’s been sleeping around.
Do we say she can’t wed
Any priest in her bed—
Promiscuity surely abounds.

(90a)
Hillel says: If you wife burns your soup
You can tell her: You must fly the coop!
If you find someone nice
Whom you’d rather call wife
Oh how low do we then let you stoop?

(90b)
On the last page of Gittin it’s said:
Woe unto the first wife that you wed
If she then is let go
Even God cries, oh no
Doleful tears on the altar are shed.


Sunday, February 28, 2016

Extempore Effusions on the Completion of Gittin chapter 7

(67b)
If a man seized by fury should shout
“Write a Get for me” – don’t hear him out
But if he says “write a Get”
And just then starts to fret
Then his words are not something to flout.

(68a)
Solomon said to the sages, “But how
Can I chisel the Temple rocks now?"
They said, “Find the Shamir,
It’s a worm, that we fear,
You must wrest from a demon, somehow.”

(69a)
For a nosebleed, sit under a drain,
For a toothache, take garlic for pain
If your heart’s in decline
Eat some wheat bread and wine
And cook willows for aches in the brain.

(70a)
If you’re back from the loo, wait a while—
Don’t have sex ‘til you’ve walked half a mile
There are demons from hell
In the bathrooms they dwell
And the seed you emit, they’ll defile.

(71a)
A deaf man can’t hear – that’s all right
He can scribble on paper, “Please write
A Get for my wife
Get her out of my life!”
They’re divorced. And they need no more fight.

(72a)
Don’t say, “This is your Get if I die,”
That’s no way to say, “Honey, goodbye.”
Since you can’t get divorced
Once you’re dead, we are forced
To declare it invalid. Nice try.

(73b)
Once divorced, she was seen in his bed
Under cover of night. Then she fled.
The sages were vexed:
Does this mean they had sex?
What did she and her ex do instead?

(74a)
“I’ll divorce you, but first you must hand
My tallit to me. So I demand.”
What if it then gets lost?
Then the wife pays the cost
Henceforth she is divorced from her man.

(75b)
“I’ll divorce you under this condition—
You must breastfeed our son. That’s your mission.”
For how long must she nurse?
Here the sages were terse:
For two years she supplies his nutrition.  

(76b)
“I’ll stay out of your face 30 days
If I do you’re divorced” – so he says.
Does that mean he can’t see
Her, or that she can’t be
The woman in whose bed he lays?